you look inside your heart and find the piece that hasnt broken wont let you fall apart whatever you do i believe in you<3
(australia all the way!)
about a year more!
till sixteen, a new ammunition<3
Monday, September 17, 2007
but im still quite scared. im scared i wont be able to make it through. i can push myself,im strong enough,ithink.
but im scared i ll change my mind, then there wont be much worth living for anymore. somehow,theres something missing from my life now.
i want all these things and i tell myself , i will get everything i want.
but of my past inspirations? i havent had time to draw for about a month already, and i used to do it everysingle day.
it used to be my dream you know, world renowned artist\\designer.
but its all changed, im becoming more and more like my parents, and truth is, im not even sure if this is what i want.
i really want to go to australia and study, and i really want to do psychology and stuff. but i dunno, theres something bothering me, something miniscule , its like a tinny frequency whizzing away at the back of my mind; "what about your art! theres a way! theres another meaning to everything!" i used to believe it. but as i think of how australia will benefit me, and doing something there that i like as well, that tinny voice is still there, trying to tell me something, however soft it is,and how much more it seems to be getting softer, it just keeps reminding me, of all my previous aspirations, and i cant help not reliving the ecstasy i experienced when i related to those fantasies once more.
but that voice is so tainted that its becoming unbearably painful, like a perpetual stain that distracts me from my presently erected goal, like a thorn in my heart, and it pricks me when i try to define it.
the supposed future that it's feeding me, it's all glamour, glamour & riches & luck & inspiration, but its so sought after that its depressing to reiterate.
yet the goal i am currently after is so much more firmly planted down, so much less absurd, so much more stable, and when i compare the two, its as though im comparing a magic tsunami to a crisp,bright sunflower. not sure how to depict this, but anyhow, for the time being, im 99 per cent on the stable job, 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000001 percent on the overly preposterous one. and in between the two?
CONFUSION.
topsy turvy-ed @ 5:10 AM
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jean tan australia all the way! convivial ongoing sedulity loves<3
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